if you're not dead why haven't you texted

why am i still stuck on this?
why am i assuming i was in the wrong?

we weren't a couple

but how do you take someone on 4 really cool dates

hold their hand
make jokes

introduce them to your parents

crouch down to hug them at their height

just to ghost them.

just to disappear like it never happened

so while you're doing god knows what

i'm constantly bringing you up

and making jokes about being ghosted

just to make myself feel better

i'm still looking at your spotify to see if you made a new playlist

or swiping through your posts like i haven't already seen them hundreds of times

not to mention blaming myself

maybe i was too forward

maybe i wasn't forward enough?

did i hold your hand wrong?

were my jokes not funny?

why keep asking me on dates

if you didn't even really like me?

and why not send the most simple text

"hey this isn't working out"

as that would suck too

at least i'd have the tiniest bit of closure to go on.

so now

i'm going on every date im asked on

and half the time i don't even want to. 

and just like an old record player

i only repeat that i want to be loved

over

and over

and over again.

and then after these dates

i just cry

they don't go well

i don't get nervous when i see them

i don't want them to kiss me at the end

or hold my hand

or pay for things

or ask for another date.

because it never feels right.

for some reason you felt right

which i hate to say because apparently it's not going anywhere

and i'm not sure that it was to begin with.

so i cry about the dates, i complain about you, and go on more dates to fill

then i receive unneeded opinions

about how i need to give them all another chance

about how i'm too picky

or how i need to take a break from everyone

and then i look for something to blame.

which immediately is

you guessed it!!

my dad. 

was i set up to fail because of him

because of his relationship with my mom

because of how he cared for me

or lack thereof.

all the times i'd want to go somewhere with him

and he'd be busy

(most often than not it was something he could do later)

when all i had was him

and instead he spent hours calling his new girlfriend

so i'd cry in the bathtub in the dark

in a house that didn't feel like i belonged

and i just want to blame and blame and blame

knowing i could fix it

knowing i could try to reach out to my dad

when he ghosted me just the same as you had

imagine that.

so instead of reaching out to either of you

because i'm just as stubborn as the last 

i'll sit and wallow in my own self pity

and convince myself i'll never be loved in the way i want

-o

last days of lonesome

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