my therapist said it's a lesson

 

the more something happens

over and over

i become less surprised each time.

i've been through this same sequence of events before.

i meet someone,

they treat me better than the last

(which usually isn't much as the bar is set fairly low.)

i tell everyone around me that this time its different.

that this one won't end the same.

and yet after a while,

something happens

whether that be they find someone or something new

they move away,

or they say they aren't ready for a relationship.

and so i cry and grieve before its even over

as i already know what to expect.

people seem to have a hard time saying what they want.

so they wait it out until you make the decision for them.

when i feel im no longer appreciated in a situation

i pull away.

they seem to find it easier to cut things off after that.

and there it is

the big

"no contact"

so i keep it short and sweet.

i've already explained multiple times how they had made me feel over the drawn out months of them waiting for a right time.

though there's never a "right" time.

so i always say something along the lines of

"i don't have more to say"

because why continue to reiterate your point that they didn't care about before.

and then they tell me how sorry they are

and how amazing i was.

yet it feels out of pity

or guilt of the situation.

until inevitably they remove me on all platforms

but not before saying

"i'm always here if you need me"

but they aren't really

they never even were when you had them.

when this happened the first couple times

i was unbearably upset.

id lay in bed

and sulk.

id feel gross from crying all night and sleeping all day.

and even worse when i caught myself checking to see if they had posted anything

or maybe if they decided to text.

so after a while of letting myself be upset

id always dye my hair

or get a new piercing

or rearrange my room

maybe in hopes of a fresh start

or as a way to cleanse myself of them.

but i'd find myself hoping their hoodies would still smell of them.

or id look through old memorabilia of our time together

id even cry after looking at photos.

and then comes the time i would decide its a fresh slate for me.

a new start

and id pick up a new hobby

or meet new people

and spend my money on things i didn't need.

just all distractions i clung to like a baby blanket.

until i'd have to come back home

and sit in the bed they once sat in too.

where they looked at me with the most love in their eyes

but only now it was just me sitting there.

trying not to reminisce on every little thing.

but after a while of no longer talking

id slowly stop checking up on what they were doing

id no longer think of them when i went to bed

id no longer wonder about them

or blame myself for the way things ended.

i would just move on.

and low and behold

the cycle would repeat with another person.

often id wonder if maybe it was me that was the problem.

did i come off too strong?

do i love too hard?

did i do something to push them away?

but now i realize it has never been any of the above.

i constantly wanted to blame myself.

so id have a reason on why things ended.

but maybe they just ended just to end.

i no longer served them in a way they needed.

and my therapist would just tell me it was a lesson.

but after having to experience this lesson one too many times

i wonder if there's more to learn

or if i just find comfort in the things i am used to.

because i know how to handle this situation.

they can all have different things about them

but overall,

it is always the same.

whether i realize it or not.

so now,

when no contact is put into action.

i no longer feel upset

or feel the need to change everything about me in an attempt to blame my looks on why things went south.

i had already cried about it the month before when you were distant.

when i knew what to expect.

i was prepared.

and maybe that's bad to anticipate the worst.

but it feels better than for it to be a surprise.

and even better,

no contact is never my decision.

i give them that power.

i'm no longer upset

and this seems to be the thing that they think will make them feel better

for the way they handled things

a way to just avoid the issue as a whole.

and if that helps them for a little then good.

because i have already dealt with it.

sure ill be upset

and maybe i'll still feel my stomach drop when i hear your name.

but i'll be okay.

i always am.

my least favorite part is trying to guess when or if they decide they've made a mistake.

when i finally get the notification that they've added me back on snap.

or they text "how are you?"

and then i have to decide if i can give them another chance.

which recently i've realized it doesn't often change anything.

people tend to reach back to the past.

dig things up that should stay buried

in hopes there's gold.

so while i've moved on and continued to grow

they come back the same they were before.

but i no longer offer as much trust as i once did.

i can miss what once was.

and no longer gravitate towards it.

because you have proven that i was not worth your time

or energy

or affection then

so why would i be now?

i give more than i've ever recieved.

but that never means i regret it.

i loved you then

and i love you now.

just not in the way i once did.

i have learned when i am appreciated

and when im not.

i have been told

"right person, wrong time"

but this is yet another thing to make one feel better.

i am the right person, just not for you.

i've been told

"we need space to grow"

but in most relationships, they grow together.

but we grew apart.

i am no longer wanting to beg for someone who showed they no longer care.

if you want to grow, then by all means, grow.

if you want to stop talking, then don't ask to talk.

i am not here to make decisions for anyone but myself.

i can only control my actions

and if you take my love for granted

and decide you don't want it

that is out of my control.

someone someday will appreciate me for who i am

and how i love

and how i think or act.

but right now,

that is me.

i appreciate me for who i am.

i am growing.

and experiencing.

and living.

and loving.

no matter if someone wants to join me or not.

and maybe i've finally understood the lesson.

but i'm sure i'll have to learn it again.

-o