to love and lose and still be kind

 

the more i talk about something

the more i realize it truly is bothering me.

i hadn't got the chance to fully dissect this situation

the good

the bad

the mundane

sure i talked about it in therapy

but i said it wasn't affecting me.

i told my mom

but not every part

i just haven't gone into detail

not enough to feel all my emotions explode like a bottle of champagne.

but the minute i do

my head feels hot

my vision gets cloudy

and i fear even the thought of crying

almost instantaneously i'm turned away with a red face

covering my eyes

but quickly being wrapped up in a warm embrace

comfort

its all i needed

no advice

no disagreements

just comfort.

and i yelled

i screamed

and i cried

not out of anger

or resentment of you

but instead, frustration.

the idea of not meaning as much to someone as you once thought.

i felt a connection

something was different

when i was able to cry in front of you.

it showed how much i trusted you

yes, with hesitation

yes, i apologized out of habit

yet i could cry.

i had been comfortable with you

more than i ever have with anyone before

i'd been vulnerable.

but i cannot hate you for the things you've done

maybe you haven't even realized how bad it all hurts.

will you ever?

i gave you the special parts of me.

the hidden parts of me.

things no one has heard or seen of me.

and part of me feels those things they were lost.

i no longer have the things i held close to me.

though i don't necessarily regret it. 

and after all was said and done

we no longer spoke the same language.

so i fear the day you come back

and break the promises you swore you'd keep.

once again i am left with the feeling of not being enough.

maybe i was perfect for you

maybe i was everything you wanted and more

but still something was missing

and now i understand it was something i'll never have

something i'll never be

but it is not my fault we grew up differently.

so i'll cover my ears

and i'll cover my eyes

so there will be no reason to hate you.

though we both know i couldn't.

and maybe i can hold on to the idea that if you love something

you must let it go.

let it miss you

yearn for you

let it grow on its own

and if it really loved me

it would come back

but that feels like grasping at straws.

and you are so set on the idea of being a completely different person

already assuming the worst

that nothing between us could work out.

so now i continue to grow

i need to pick up the pieces

and put myself back together 

going into this year i have realized 

no matter how much you love someone

whether they be a friend, a family member, a significant other,

they often do not last.

i can no longer believe things will last for as long as we live.

sometimes they don't last longer than a summer,

or even make it till december.

i will still be kind.

but after this i realize i need to put my energy into things that are part of me.

from childhood i never believed in permanence,

yet i longed for it.

i have always feared the idea of losing something i love

so as it continues to happen again and again

i refuse to love as hard as i once did

until i no longer fear the unbearable.

i am not sure how

but i will hold myself back from wanting what once was.

i will let you grow as you so happily please.

and i will learn to live with the absence of you

along with the absence of everyone i've ever lost.

i've done this before

i'm sure i can do it again.

but if you ever need me

you can always call.

-o