i hate the way i love

i hate the way i love.

i physically cannot love myself the way i am told to

so i would much rather put all of that love into someone who needs it.

but people come and go

and all im left with is myself.

and loving me is not as easy as loving others.

i hate the way i love.

i love so much that i get used

i am a doormat trampled with snowy footprints

which soon melt and i am no longer of use.

i hate the way i love.

and i hate even more how it will never be returned in the way i want.

i feel guilty for doing anything with an ulterior motive.

though you would hope at some point my actions would be reciprocated.

i hate the way i love.

i let people break my bones

just so i can be cradled in their arms

because i am not liked for me.

i am liked because i am fragile.

because i would rather be torn to shreds

than to watch the pain build up inside you.

i hate the way i love

because i love like a child.

i kiss your bruises away

in hopes you kiss mine too.

i carry band aids in case you fall

but since i have them, 

there's no point for you to carry any at all.

i hate the way i deal with love.

i turn people into poetry

but i cannot make them love me.

i cannot fix what has been done.

a broken vase lies shattered on the floor

and i will sit picking up every shard of glass

as my hand bleeds out

just to make you happy.

but i cannot make you love me.

i hate the way i love.

because i will forever love how younger me craved.

how i wished my dad would come home

just to scoop me up and spin me around like he was excited to see me

like he was waiting all day for this moment.

how i hoped my mom would come home

and still want to be my nurse after a day of being everyone else's.

i love how i wanted my parents to love

to come home with dinner because you're too tired to cook.

to ask every question to ever cross my mind

so you know i still want to learn.

to be interested in the things you enjoy

so our lives can intertwine.

would you really love me if i asked?

is it love if i have to ask?

the way i love is a double edged sword.

and the way i think is contradicting.

i love to love

and life without love is a river without water.

but i hate the way i love.

-o