catch me if you throw me

 

i believe i am so used to not being enough.

so in my most vulnerable state

to hear you say i look pretty

i am infatuated

i have been so used to being an object

where people decide there is nothing special

nothing about me that makes them intrigued

yet somehow you understand what i need

and are so kind to me without realizing how much it means

and though i know you treat me as a human

a person with thoughts 

and ideas

just as you

it feels almost unheard of.

i know i say these same things every time

every time i feel the soft touch of someone

the soft touch that inevitably turns cold

but i ignore the patterns 

and listen to them convince me they care about me.

they ask how i am

yet stare right past me till its time for them to talk once more.

they tell me i'm pretty

but that i would look better with less makeup

that id look better with less clothes.

they throw me up into the air

with the intent to catch me

but never do.

so now i expect nothing less than to land head first

and to patch my own wounds.

and once all my bruises go away

my scars heal

and i’m okay to walk on my own

im swept off my feet once more

and thrown into the air

to do it all again.

yet oddly enough

it feels like you didn't do any of that.

this doesn't feel how it usually goes.

you seem to accept me as i am

and all the baggage i carry with me

though i figure you dont know the extent of it.

nonetheless you pay attention to the things i like

you ask me questions and want to actually hear the answer.

you are the warmth my cold hands have been searching for.

you are the laugh my jokes never get.

you are someone i can truly trust.

and there was a chance we would have never met

had i not got this job

or if you had left when you planned to do so.

yet here we are.

is it cheesy of me to say fate

even if just for a moment.

but you leaving

is still in action

and i know we need to talk about it

i want to enjoy you

i want to feel actual care

and adoration 

from at least one person in my life

i don't want to think about you leaving

or the idea of you meeting someone new.

i fear i'll forget your voice

and the slight lisp that only happens when you sing

that i'll forget the way you laugh

or your smile

i fear ill forget the way you hold me

and how warm you always are.

maybe i'll forget how much taller you are than me.

or i'll forget your jokes

and the faces that went along with them.

i fear i'll forget how dark your eyes are

and how you never break eye contact.

i fear i'll forget you

and all the things you do that make me feel like a person again.

what if when you leave i never experience this again.

what if i'm never taken on another date

and that no one remembers my favorite snacks

or my shoe size

or my hobbies

or anything about me.

what if after you leave

i have to bandage myself up again.

and look for someone to kiss my bruises better

what if no one will treat me like a human again.

what if i am just a body when you leave.

i know that two things can be true at once

so i want you to go

because i know how bad you want this

and i won't be the one to hold you back from a world of possibilities

i would much rather be here to cheer you on

but the amount of times i have considered breaking down

just pouring my whole being out to you

that i don't want you to go

because i am unsure what it means

and if i will ever see you again

though i really hope i do

and that i never got the chance to really show you how love is supposed to feel

and how you're supposed to be treated.

its hard for me to think about letting something go

when it feels so right

but i would hope that we can be led back together later.

but i'm glad it all happened

as much as it's going to hurt

i want you to go

because if you didn't id fear it was my fault.

-o