not even my writing feels good enough

 

i keep opening this page to start writing

to get out everything

all of these gross feelings i haven't been able to say aloud.

partly because no one is really listening

but mostly because i am unsure of what these feelings are.

why does my heart feel its lower than my stomach.

why do my lungs take effort to move

i am used to this feeling.

i am used to the situations that have been happening

i am used to holding back tears

i feel comforted that im sitting in my dark room

with only the screen lighting my face

my eyes burn from not sleeping

my body feels numb

my throat hurts from screaming at concerts

and you'd think i feel something less negative

i am doing all the things that should make me happy

i am content.

but i am sitting in the same room i have considered suicide

i am sitting in the same room that i hid food in

the same room i was dumped in

the same room i would body check

the same room i was sexually assaulted in

i have shed more tears in this room than i have smiled

yet i feel comforted

this is my room

and all of my feelings reside here

today i feel them more than i ever have

and maybe it's because i haven't slept

maybe it's because i am acknowledging them

but i don't know what they are

maybe it's just that its october.

the minute the fall air hits my bare legs as i walk outside

there's a sense of comfort

and there's a feeling that i'm missing something.

 

when i get in the car and have to wait for the ice to defrost

or the windows to defog

i think i should feel colder.

i used to shiver sitting here.

fall is here

and i feel i should be half my weight

and i think about when you and i were still together.

that you hadn't shattered my heart just yet.

apparently you think about that too.

2 years since then

and i'm still settling for people who do not care.

1 year since my dad and i last talked too.

and i still don't blame either of you.

yet more and more i realize how much this shit ruined my life.

i don't know how to feel.

i never know how to feel.

i fall too hard.

i think too much.

i get attached too quickly.

i'm not pretty enough to compliment.

i'm not enough of a challenge.

i'm not interesting enough to learn about.

i'm not enough to date.

and i'm too scared to fuck.

i question too much.

i'm scared of commitment

i want what i can't have.

i want what doesnt want me back.

i overshare.

i don't share anything at all.

im anxious.

i'm scared to be naked.

and i don't think i deserve love.

but is this because of my dad

is this because of you?

is this just my problem

is it my fault?

so i wonder why i'm not enough

for anyone.

why im not enough to ask out.

why im not enough to last.

why im not enough to meet the parents.

why i can't keep my room clean.

why my skincare isn't working.

why i can't say what i'm thinking.

why i change my whole personality for a person

why i will never feel enough for myself.

i read back on old blogs

the times i thought i was in love

the times i thought i had healed 

healed from my eating disorder, but only physically.

healed from a breakup, but with another person

which is a never ending loop i wouldn't recommend.

i thought i had grieved my dad

though he didn't die

just feels he did

i thought i was better

and god how i wish i wasn't so self aware

how i wish i could be ignorant

and laid back

and not have any trauma

or had blocked it out enough.

i cannot break any habits

i know i need to but i can't

or maybe i don't want to.

i fall for people i know are bad for me

yet they show me the love i crave

for even the slightest moment and i feel at ease

and then they pull back and i assume it's my fault

because it always was before

i don't sleep anymore

my mind runs like a hamster on a wheel

and i think everything over and over and over again

until i have to think about something new

i haven't been eating

i like the feeling of my stomach begging for food

or the pounding headache

or the shaky hands

and wanting to pass out.

i haven't been posting any of my writings

they don't feel good enough

i worry when i read them to my therapist she wont say its her favorite so far.

i worry i will get another text from my ex being upset that i wrote about them.

i worry my dad will read them and still think im not good at anything.

i worry you all pity me.

but i don't want people to feel bad.

i am not telling anyone this to their face

i am just words on a screen.

but in person i am here for others disposal

i am here for all their games

i am here to listen to their problems

or follow alongside them like a dog on a leash

i feel like i am nothing anymore.

i do not feel like i will ever be enough for anything

i wasn't ever enough for my dad

so why do i assume i will find someone that actually cares about me

my mom doesn't ask if i'm okay

nobody seems to worry when my dnd is on at 5pm

and i just seem like a hard worker when i'm working all the time

but it's really that i can't be alone in this fucking room

i am constantly distracting myself

i am constantly putting up with shit i know i dont need to

and all i want is just someone to give a shit about me

i need a constant.

i am 19 and have nothing going for me.

i have no money

i have no home

or degree

or significant other

or confidence

 or a fucking dad.

i fear i am getting burnt out

and that ill have to fill out another safety form in therapy

but if i just stay moving

if i just keep distracting myself

maybe ill ignore it all for long enough that it will no longer matter

that nothing will ever matter.

never has never will

-o