listen to understand not to reply

 

i often feel a lack of love

i understand i am surrounded by family

(most of them)

and some amazing friends

but i sit for too long

and i think too hard

about how none of these people really care

as least not as much as i hope.

of course they don't want me to die

and maybe miss me when i'm gone for some days

but what do they know about me

what do they understand about my mind

all my thoughts

ideas

feelings

the intense, overwhelming, life threatening feelings.

what do they know?

i feel a background character in my own movie.

my own storybook

and i'm not the princess.

i will gladly sit and listen to someone talk about someone they like

ill listen to them explain how everything feels like shit

or how work was awful

or how their family life is bad

or how they miss someone

or something

or how it feels when they eat

no matter what it is.

no matter how angry

or upset

or broken

or excited

or head over heels

i will listen.

yet seemingly without fail,

i am not listened to.

i have my therapist

who i can yell and scream and cry to

for 50 minutes.

once a week.

that's too much to have constantly building in your head.

i want to listen to your problems

but where are you when mine arise.

when i am drowning

and all you can talk about is how i need to go to college

and how i need a job

or about a guy you like

or about anything i'm doing wrong

or everything going wrong

or how my problems aren't big

and yours aren't small. 

so to you,

i feel like i am puffing up

i am tearing at the seams.

i feel lost

and tired

and drained

and shattered.

i feel like a vase

hot glued back together

and hidden so no one notices.

i do not know what i am doing in life

i do know that i do not want to go to college

and i do know that i am still recovering.

that it is still hard to eat

to see myself

to feel my clothes clinging to my skin

to try something on and it be too small, or too big.

to have my favorite rings not fit

or my socks feel too tight.

it's still hard to not want to gag at the thought of eating

to not feel guilty when i want a kitkat at the checkout lanes in target

to not feel weird in a swimsuit

or how odd it is to build up the courage and wear something tight

to not hide every piece of me

and then to come home to hear about my stomach

or how men could be looking

forcing me to fear everything.

and a common theme,

i know that i want to be loved

loved in a different way than a parent, or a friend

i want to be adored

i want to be treated like i mean something.

and not be reprimanded for it

or to be reprimanded for finding love in the wrong places

i don't want to hear "i told you so"

or "that i've never experienced a bad relationship"

i don't want advice

i just want a hug

i want sympathy

i want people to understand

i don't talk about how intense everything feels

and how much one thing can affect me

even as simple as a "delivered 8hrs ago"

feels detrimental.

about how fucked it was to have someone be into you for one moment

and have you blocked the next

and how i will put every single piece of me into the situation to fix it. 

but nobody will sit and listen to my little problems about a guy that's too far away

or about how he sent me a picture of the sunset

nobody will listen when i say i don't want to go to college

and how i don't see a point

nobody will listen when i cry over my dad

or they tell me i shouldn't

or tell me it's in the past. 

nobody pays any mind to the things surrounding them.

"yes i'll come make dinner"

i reply from the bathroom while i'm trying to cover up the fact i was crying.

"omg what did he say after that"

i text back after just overthinking every single thing about a situationship.

yes my instagram post was so cute

but i just got yelled at for spending money i don't have.

the picture on my story was gorg

but i was scrolling through the views and can't stop staring at my dads name in that list.

i want to be open.

i want everyone to know how i feel

but does anyone care

does anyone really want to listen?

does anything even matter?

at all??

so ill continue to cope in the ways i know best

i'll sit in the bathtub

because it feels like a cold hug

ill get stoned out of my mind

or watch coraline for the 700th time

ill stare at myself in the mirror and question everything i see

pick every scab

every blemish

ill up my med dose

 ill dye my hair

or spend too much money

but nothing works for too long.

-o