learning but no longer in school

 it’s been a over a year since i graduated.

i've learned a lot.

like too much.

(if that's even possible) 

i've learned simple things

like having a full time job

and realizing working in an office wasn't for me.

i've learned i'm a big talker

and an even bigger listener

i've learned that therapy works when you actually try

rather than just sit and nod.

i've learned that hard work actually tends to pay off.

i've also learned that not everything goes your way. 

i've learned difficult things.

a lot of which i'm still working on.

i've made friends

only a few but that's more than 0.

i've gone on a multitude of dates

though none have seemed to work out. 

here's to hoping.

i've learned how many things i use to cope

whether that be the norm of drugs or drinking

or that be breaking my own heart

stress eating

stress not-eating

screaming

crying

throwing up

and blaming everything under the sun.

i've learned a lot is out of my control

i can't fix people

i can't make them like me

i can't make my own dad want to text me.

i can't expect apologies

or expect forgiveness.

i can't expect opportunities to fall out of the sky

or a guy to spin me around in the rain

i can't expect my mom not to worry

and i can't expect her to change her mind.

i can't expect people wanting to hang out

or expect that everyone will say yes

i can't expect for anyone to love me

or appreciate me.

or need me.

i can't even expect myself to. 

but i've learned that people can not expect things from me

i cannot be perfect all the time

i cannot always have my best foot forward

i can't be expected to get out of bed

i can't be expected to get a big girl job

and pay for college classes that don't interest me.

i no longer need to prove myself

to explain myself

or why i did what i did

or what ill do.

i feel no reason to

i want to.

i want to beg and plead

i want to cry it all out

without anyone feeling bad

or someone getting mad.

as much as i've learned

i still feel like shit.

i feel i'm not putting effort in anymore.

and once again i could blame my meds

or how the planets are all fucked right now

but i'm not sure what it is. 

i just don't want to do anything.

i want to go to college like everyone else

but what would i do

why would i pay for something i hate.

i want to have a full time job

but what would it be that i won't despise?

i want to move out

but with what money

and i'd miss my mom.

i want to fall in love

or for someone to be at least slightly in to me.

but i overthink every single situation

and question when it will go astray. 

a constant loop of everything being really good

a high

a tiny drop of serotonin 

while i'm dying of dehydration in a dark and barren room.

but that always goes away.

and suddenly i can no longer remember all that i've learned

or all that i want

or need

or hope for.

suddenly i'm back in my bathtub

withering away in the dark

not even enough power for a single disappointing tear. 

and the sun doesn't come up for what feels like years

until it does and it will feel like the most breathtaking sunrise anyone has ever laid their eyes on.

suddenly i have motivation to clean my room

or maybe write something not so sad

or make real food

or draw for the first time in forever.

like none of the sadness ever happened.

i'm learning that i need to get my fucking shit together.

i need to get my feelings under control

and how difficult it really is.

i'm learning that not everything is the end of the world. 

wish i wasn't so self aware.

-o