did i take my meds?

 

i dont know why i feel like shit

the instant my head starts pounding

or i feel a pit forming in my stomach

i blame my meds

"did i take my meds this morning?"

"im sure i just forgot my meds"

and without fail

that days meds were indeed taken

so what do i blame now?

why do i need to blame something?

things just dont feel right.

i feel odd

i feel out of place

im lacking something

and now its just me

im blaming myself.

so i lie in my bed

and experience existential dread

dumb questions

things i should not worry about

things that should not feel like a whole house has fallen on me

am i doing the right thing?

do i have a purpose?

do i have a soulmate?

does anyone even like me?

do i know myself?

who am i?

who the fuck am i?

what have i been doing the past 19 years?

apparently jack shit.

i do not feel welcome

in my home

outside

with friends

on dates

or with strangers

i feel weird

weird is the only way to put it.

theres no way to explain this fucking feeling

a feeling of almost hunger

but not for food.

a feeling of being high

without the fun parts

a feeling of dread

something is going to happen

and theres no way to prepare.

a feeling of knowing you're gonna be late to something important

a feeling of forgetting something

a feeling of knowing you're going to be heartbroken

a bad feeling

i feel shitty

i feel weird

and theres nothing i can do

what fixes this problem

why do i feel so shut out

why do i feel so isolated

why do i feel guilty

embarrassed

nervous

and dont forget the headache

the kind that feels like you've been banging your head against the wall for the past hour. 

how do i explain this feeling

I FEEL WEIRD

OUT OF PLACE

LOST.

"did i remember my meds?"

i can watch tv

and have music playing

and watch tiktoks

all at once

just to feel quiet

for a minute

yet somehow its not louder than the ringing in my ears

and i can still feel the pit in my stomach

and i cant ignore the trembling of my hands

or twitching of my eye.

i can get way too high for my own good

or get blackout drunk

yet still feel nervous

and like im about to be fucked over.

i can feel the frog in my throat

the feeling i may cry

i may choke up

"did i take my meds?"

i can feel the tears starting to well up

i can feel my face getting warm

and my lip trembling.

and it doesn't matter how good things may be

i have job interviews

i have modeling graduation

im starting cosmetology school soon

I HAVE GOOD THINGS COMING

yet i sit here and cry

what do i want?

what do i need?

why am i crying?

why the fuck am i crying???

what is wrong with me?

why am i so fucked up?

why can i not understand?

why why why

i cant understand enough to even explain it to my therapist

i cant understand enough to write it down

i dont understand

"did i forget my meds again"

i feel weird in my room

i feel weird with my family

i feel weird with friends

i feel weird driving

i feel weird at the gym

or out an about

i feel fucking weird

i dont feel welcome

i dont feel like im here

i dont understand

"i wonder if i took my meds"

why can i not explain this feeling

why do i have a headache

why am i crying

why am i shaking

what am i doing

why do i have so many questions

why do i think no one cares about me

why do i think my mom hates me

why do i think my therapist finds me annoying

why do i think i deserve nothing

why do i think i am not smart

why do i think like this

why 

why

why

"did i take my meds?"

-o