face the beast. or don't.

i am a people-pleaser.

i do things for others

i take the blame for others

and my first question is always

"what did i do?"

i try to work on my self esteem

my unreasonably low self love

being comfortable in my own skin.

being my own person.

though no amount of love

or care

or appreciation i give myself

can be equivalent to the people-pleasing.

i thrive off of it

though it actually kills

without me realizing

it tears me apart until there's nothing left of me

and i'm here for anyone else's disposal

i am a daughter of a narcissistic father.

i cater to your needs

leaving behind my own.

i know what i want,

and what i need.

what i so desperately crave.

yet ignore it every chance i get.

which is fucking up my life.

i write gut wrenching blogs about how i'll never be loved

crying over my lack of dad

and fighting the urge to blame him.

i cry over things i will never be able to fix.

things that are not my problem

and never will be.

sometimes it's self sabotage.

i can and will ruin a perfectly good relationship

in hopes of what??

no idea.

do i not deserve someone who brings me flowers?

or writes me poems?

or opens the door for me?

someone who treats me with the bare minimum?

i look for love in emotionally detached boys

who continuously play mind games

lead me on

and act as if i mean something to them.

though they really just want to get me undressed

or i end up not being the person they want me to be

so they leave me on a deserted road wondering

"was it something i did?"

"something i said?"

yet engraved in my mind

is that these relationships will be the best i can get.

the best i deserve.

because being in a confusing

deceiving

manipulative

and an insecure relationship

feels better than being alone,

neglected or abandoned.

i can push and push and push myself

to understand that i want more love than i'm given.

that i'm allowed to say what's bothering me

or what i need.

i'm can convince myself and everyone else

that i'm okay on my own

and i can do things by myself.

i can tell myself to drop this baggage i've been carrying my whole life.

i can understand that not everything is my problem.

that i can cut ties and move on.

 yet i can't do any of these things.

when i say what i need,

i'm in the wrong.

which rarely happens because i refuse to cause any sort of conflict.

i put everyone else's needs above my own

leaving me powerless.

when i feel a certain way,

i'm too sensitive.

criticism feels nothing more than negativity

though i know its not. 

even constructive, or joking,

it feels like a stab to the chest.

and i immediately feel the tears well up. 

when i sit alone in my room,

i'm lazy

when really i can't bear to leave the house by myself.

i fear how i'm being perceived by others

i fill with anxiety and my stomach sinks.

i feel forever stuck in a loop

looking for love in places it will never exist

and changing every part of me to fit a mold i'll never fill

just to feel less than

to feel exploited

and like a fucking door mat for someone to stomp all over me.

dropping bread crumbs of affection.

 

and i could blame my dad for the rest of my life

but i know i need to face the beast head on

or cut it off completely

and work through what once was. 

-o