listen to you but listen to me

 well.

it's been a while

i've been telling myself things are going well

and they are

except all these other problems i've put on the back burner

stupid problems

yet the still have me in a death grip

they make my stomach shrivel up

and my mind go empty

and just

so

many

feelings

is it anger?

jealousy?

annoyance?

feeling stupid?

i don't know

i just know how it makes me physically ill

how it devours me from the inside out 

and i mean this next part in the least

"the world's against me"

kinda way.

and more of just

"i don't know what to do"

so

i am constantly getting mixed signals.

"trust your gut"

"listen to yourself"

"you come first"

"be confident"

and so on and so forth.

BUT THEN

from those same people

im being told left and right

what i should do

who i should talk to

that they'd be disappointed in what i was planning on doing. 

(and that just slaps my people pleaser personality right across the face)

how do i listen to myself while still listening to whatever jack shit you all have to say???

so what if he may be a shitty guy, let me go on the date.

so what if i'm more talkative than you, i can't force you to be more assertive. 

so what if i keep looking for love, let me look without telling me that i don't love myself. 

LET ME LIVE

let me do what a normal person does

let me talk

let me make friends

let me fall in love

let me get my heart broken

let me go places on my own

let me live without guilt.

how am i suffocating people

yet constantly being bossed around

and if i say anything in my defense

i'm in the wrong

it's my fault.

everytime i hear a "let's talk"

i want to disintegrate

because i always get put down

it's my fault that someone feels left out because i talk to everyone

i'm annoying because i invite people places

im annoying because i get lonely

it's my fault because i don't open up

i get told i don't love myself

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW????

what the fuck do you think i'm working on????

i can sit and tell you everything

i can tell you it's difficult

i can tell you i'm putting a lot into it

i can tell you how i used to be

how much i despised myself

how i hated every single particle of myself

so much that i quite literally tried to dissapear

i ate myself from the inside out

there's so much more that i need to work on

it's not as easy as looking in the mirror and telling myself i love myself

i'm fucking working on it.

so yes

life is going amazing

it's warmer

i quit my office job

i work part time

i model

i'm taking care of myself.

but still problems.

-o