listen to you but listen to me
well.
it's been a while
i've been telling myself things are going well
and they are
except all these other problems i've put on the back burner
stupid problems
yet the still have me in a death grip
they make my stomach shrivel up
and my mind go empty
and just
so
many
feelings
is it anger?
jealousy?
annoyance?
feeling stupid?
i don't know
i just know how it makes me physically ill
how it devours me from the inside out
and i mean this next part in the least
"the world's against me"
kinda way.
and more of just
"i don't know what to do"
so
i am constantly getting mixed signals.
"trust your gut"
"listen to yourself"
"you come first"
"be confident"
and so on and so forth.
BUT THEN
from those same people
im being told left and right
what i should do
who i should talk to
that they'd be disappointed in what i was planning on doing.
(and that just slaps my people pleaser personality right across the face)
how do i listen to myself while still listening to whatever jack shit you all have to say???
so what if he may be a shitty guy, let me go on the date.
so what if i'm more talkative than you, i can't force you to be more assertive.
so what if i keep looking for love, let me look without telling me that i don't love myself.
LET ME LIVE
let me do what a normal person does
let me talk
let me make friends
let me fall in love
let me get my heart broken
let me go places on my own
let me live without guilt.
how am i suffocating people
yet constantly being bossed around
and if i say anything in my defense
i'm in the wrong
it's my fault.
everytime i hear a "let's talk"
i want to disintegrate
because i always get put down
it's my fault that someone feels left out because i talk to everyone
i'm annoying because i invite people places
im annoying because i get lonely
it's my fault because i don't open up
i get told i don't love myself
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW????
what the fuck do you think i'm working on????
i can sit and tell you everything
i can tell you it's difficult
i can tell you i'm putting a lot into it
i can tell you how i used to be
how much i despised myself
how i hated every single particle of myself
so much that i quite literally tried to dissapear
i ate myself from the inside out
there's so much more that i need to work on
it's not as easy as looking in the mirror and telling myself i love myself
i'm fucking working on it.
so yes
life is going amazing
it's warmer
i quit my office job
i work part time
i model
i'm taking care of myself.
but still problems.
-o
Comments
Post a Comment