certainly uncertain

 Ambiguity

a word or expression that can be understood in two or more possible ways : an ambiguous word or expression : uncertainty. 

uncertainty.

more often than not

i feel uncertain

anxious

anticipating a bad ending.

that i may not deserve the good in my life

as its always followed by bad.

the scary

the mundane

something goes my way

and i'm excited

yet fearful of what's to come.

maybe it's because there's always a pattern

my life seems to get good

like really good

and then all of a sudden shit hits the fan

the grass dies on both sides.

and then after i'm sent through hell and back

with the accompanied

"you don't have it that bad"

"i know you're sad, but imagine how sad i am"

the sun comes out,

the grass gets greener

and i feel better. 

and i enjoy that feeling

for a bit

until it feels suspicious

like it's wrong

it's not meant for me

i'm supposed to be sad

im supposed to be where all the nature has withered away

where i am nothing but an insignificant corpse

abandoned.

but not confused.

i am used to that feeling.

i'm sad, but i know nothing is to come

nothing i can fuck up

nothing to worry about.

just in my own world

when it's something that's not in my control.

there should be no reason to worry about it.

so why everytime i join my therapy session

i immediately have questions

constantly doubting the good in my life.

i got a new job

i went on a couple dates

i'm starting modeling

all things i should be over the moon about.

yet still,

i question.

what if my job is awful

what if this guy doesn't actually like me

what if modeling isn't my thing

what if

what if

what if

how can i sit here and preach about the love of fate

accepting everything that's happened

and whatever's to come. 

yet still question every little thing along the way.

wondering what i deserve

wondering what i don't

maybe if i had understood that a lot more is out of my control

than i think

i can't convince someone to like me

or change the weather in hopes i'll feel better

i am but a single speck.

and as much as someone will tell me

everything will go my way

i don't need to question everything

i will get better

i'll know where i need to be

and what i need to be doing

i doubt it.

because once again i am stuck

questioning everything and it's existence

i want to go on a date

and not worry if i'm coming off too forward

if i'm doing everything right

if they like me

and i hate leaving said date 

feeling like giant question mark.

i want to go to my modeling classes

with confidence

and excitement

and not worry if i'm doing it wrong

or being embarrassing

WHEN IT'S LITERALLY A CLASS

where i'm supposed to learn. 

i want to quit my job

and not feel bad about my sudden absence

what will they do when i'm gone

i was doing a lot of little jobs to help them along

who will do those??

everyone else in each of those situations

just move on.

the date went well

the class went well

and i quit my job with no one getting pissed like i anticipated.

why do i expect bad

why do i question

why does every aspect of my life leave me feeling like:

?????????????

I wish i could take my silly little meds

enjoy my life

and not only read my Amor Fati tattoo

but use it as a reminder of what i'm trying to do.

but i'm gonna guess i'll stay in this weird

dystopian state of mind.

-o