your dumb kitchen and my dumb feelings

dumb kitchen

that stupid ugly kitchen

that you never wanted to fix

or remodel

because you didn't have time

too busy with work

though you were self employed.

never had the money to do so.

just like you don't have the money to pay for my therapies

the 60 dollars a month

sorry it's so expensive

and doesn't matter anyways right?

because

"Therapy is not medically necessary"

right?

isn't that what you said?

but no, yeah, remodel that stupid kitchen.

make it look fancier

nicer

so you can sell the house?

the house i haven't set foot in since last summer.

and maybe it isn't about the house

or the kitchen at all

maybe i'm just using it as something to be angry about.

because i can't find the reasons to be mad at you.

because i'm taught to love my parents no matter what.

but it's hard when one of them doesn't step forward and act like one.

i could go on and on about how great you were

and i usually do whenever you're mentioned. 

but as the MONTHS go by

the only lasting memory i have of you is the text 

"I'm not gonna argue with you anymore. If you want a relationship with your dad then let me know"

why i haven't deleted it?

i'm not sure. 

maybe i'm hoping you'll text me.

you'll check in.

maybe i'm hoping you'll apologize.

instead it just sits there.

front and center

august 16th.

taunting me.

i just wish you to knew how upset it makes me to see your posts

and how your comment replies have never sounded sad

or like anything is wrong

or seeing you comment about how proud you are of someone else's kid

or how all pictures of me have been deleted from your instagram.

like you never had a daughter in the first place.

like i wasn't ever part of your life.

like i wasn't your biggest fan

or favorite person in the whole world.

so no. it's not about that stupid kitchen.

or that vacant looking house.

it's about you.

and how much i miss you

and how pissed i am for saying i do.

when i know you could not give one flying fuck about how i am.

and that i probably haven't crossed your mind since the last time we talked.

-o