it's not seasonal i'm just depressed.

 how unfortunate.

your problems aren't as bad as others.

you have no reason to feel sad.

summers coming, wasn't this just seasonal sadness?

we all get it.

so why if the weather is better.

warmer.

i can drive with all the windows down

my music blasting

the warm sun shining on my face

its not windy

or cold

or icy on the roads in the morning.

the sun goes down later

soon the smell of fresh rain will fill the air

and dewdrops will cover the green grass

and the spiderwebs appear

though they don't seem as scary when the sun is rising

and everything feels right.

it's quiet in the mornings

the birds are chirping

it's the only time of the day where it's cold enough to wear a jacket

though you know you won't need it later.

the smell is nostalgic.

summer mornings should fill my lungs

and bring a smile to my face.

ear to ear

it's all i need.

the feeling of freedom i once dreamt about.

yet that freedom quickly turned into an office job.

a cubicle.

which i mention time and time again.

and maybe it's a way to blame my sadness on something other than myself.

but how happy am i supposed to be?

looking at that summer air

through my dirty office window

my car in the parking lot begging to be driven

with the sunroof open.

my sunglasses are collecting dust,

and my radio is waiting to be played.

the sun is shining

the birds are chirping

though i can't hear them

or feel said sun

through my window.

in my gloomy office

with the ac turned up high

and my computer killing my eyes.

summer break now has a different meaning.

there is no summer.

it's the same damn thing everyday.

sometimes i imagine i relapse.

sometimes i imagine i'm back in school wishing i was somewhere else.

sometimes i imagine the repetitive nature of that time in my life.

wake up

school

home

therapy

sleep

repeat.

and not to mention an eating disorder

a life threatening

soul crushing

bummed out

eating disorder.

yet it was there.

for me.

against me?

it was something i had.

it was mine.

mine

mine

mine

it was work

but i was self employed.

it was isolating

but maybe i wanted it.

it was gaslighting me

but maybe i was crazy.

it was all mine

all i had

and it brought me love

and attention

and care

which i feel i no longer have.

i no longer feel connected with something,

i'm stuck with unlimited questions

and limited answers.

i'm stuck with the problems i have to fix.

i'm stuck with too many thoughts.

and feel everything is out of reach.

i'm stuck in a never ending loop

and this time it's not killing me physically

but killing me mentally.  

i am stuck.

i crave love

i crave summer

i crave affection

i crave consideration

i crave normalcy

i crave something more than what i have.

i need a reason to stay

a reason to be where i am

is this all part of the process

am i still growing

is it just slower than i'm used to?

or am i on an escalator back to rock bottom?

where i feel most comfortable

yet so out of place no matter where i am

i am stuck

and all i want is a reason

and the sun in my face

and the wind in my hair

and maybe my dad

and maybe some answers

some explanations

maybe some fucking freedom.

-o