lost in the sauce

 

sometimes i don't want to wake up in the morning.

not in a suicidal way

but more of a

"yo i need a breather" kinda way

i mean i'm happy.

i know i am.

i feel happy?

(sometimes)

but i feel stuck.

i feel i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing.

i have a house

but it's my parents.

i have a car

but my mom pays for it.

i have a job

but i don't enjoy it.

i have a dad

but we haven't talked since last august.

i have money

but not enough to do anything with.

except pay bills every month.

i feel a little like i felt in high school

(just less of a skeleton)

but i still wake up at the ass crack of dawn

every

single day

(besides the weekend)

im at work from 6:30

go in at 7

lunch at 1

leave at 3

then i drive those 30 minutes home

get ready for gym

and go to pick up marilyn.

then workout

go home

take off makeup

get in bed around 9

and watch true crime until i fall asleep.

just to do it all over again in the morning.

there's absolutely no way i will do this for the rest of my life.

strapped down by a job

not getting paid enough to move out.

didn't go to college

no goals or ambitions.

what the fuck do i do with my life. 

there's no need to rush it.

but the fact that i'll be 20 next year

is scary.

and it's just a number

but it's a big one. 

i feel the need to act as if i've got it all together

when i want nothing more to be little again

young enough to play with barbies

or ride my bike for fun

young enough to not know insecurities

young enough to not know guilt

young enough to not realize what was happening to my parents

young enough to not know calories

young enough to not know worries

young enough to have no care

or any questions

or need any plans.

do i not want anyone to worry?

do i feel the need to put on some sort of act?

i listen to all the older ladies at work

saying they've been there for years

doing the same thing

not getting paid enough

getting up before the sun

and going home when the sun has gone to bed.

i don't want to do that.

for a year or two?

sure

for the rest of my life?

retire when i'm 65

just to not be able to do anything 

because my legs won't work from being in a chair for 50+ years

fuck no.

i feel lost.

and rushed to get my shit together

when i really don't want to.

but what exactly am i supposed to be doing?

does anyone know?

or are there set "rules" people go by.

that i decided not to follow 

and now i have to make my own path

a path filled with snow

rose bushes that scratch your legs as you run past

goat heads that pop your tires

poisonous snakes

and so on and so forth

is there something waiting for me at the end?

a pretty field of chrysanthemums 

or poppies like in wizard of oz?

or maybe a person

or maybe all my hopes and dreams

or is this all an attempt to give myself hope

that there's something i'm working for

when i don't know if there really is. 

of course i could ramble on and on about this

about how i don't know what i'm doing 

or where i'm going

but i feel the point has already gotten across.

i miss being so young i wished to be older

and never expected what came with it.

-o