guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt

 guilt feels like a snake.

wrapping you up in a hug

one that gets tighter and tighter

until it engulfs you.

guilt feels like a rock

that sits in your stomach

and its weight is all you can think about. 

guilt is all that's on my fucking mind.

every second of the day

guilt tells me i'm doing something wrong

guilt tells me i'm not supposed to feel the way i feel

or live the way i want to live

or want something more. 

so let's start.

let's see how long this guilt has been going on.

when i was little,

i felt guilty for my parents fighting

i felt guilty for telling my parents my brother had a party

and i felt guilty for lying for my brother

i felt guilty for making a mess

i felt guilty for pretending i was sick

i felt guilty for spitting my food down the toilet

i felt guilty for being a brat.

(continuing on throughout the years)

i felt guilty for sneaking out

guilty for drinking

guilty for preferring a parent over the other

guilty for yelling

guilty for not doing chores

guilty for eating unhealthy food

guilty for continuously lying

guilty for cheating on homework

for cheating on tests

guilty for moving out of my dad's house

and guilty for never going back.

guilty for reading the divorce papers

guilty for going through my parents phones

guilty for seeing k as a dad

guilty for doing drugs

guilty for skipping my first meal

guilty for sleeping in class

guilty for lying to teachers

guilty for lying to therapists

guilty for lying in my weigh ins

for wearing upwards of 50+ pounds of metal strapped to me

guilty of throwing food away

guilty for being used for my body

guilty for doubting if it was love

guilty for wanting something i knew wasn't good for me

guilty for questioning 

guilty for trying to kill myself

guilty for losing my best friend 

for choosing an eating disorder over her.

guilty for my cat dying

guilty for telling the truth

guilty for hating myself

guilty for graduating

guilty for wanting to move out

guilty for being in a relationship

guilty for it being difficult

guilty for spending money

guilty for having preferences

guilty for knowing what i want

guilty for not hanging out with my parents

guilty for not texting my dad

guilty for being an expensive kid

guilty for worrying my mom

guilty for needing affection

guilty for being codependent

guilty for my love language being physical

guilty for it not being words of affirmation

guilty for wanting to quit my job

guilty for not wanting to work

guilty for wanting to be vegan

guilty for hurting someone's feelings

guilty for putting someone over myself

and guilty for putting myself over others

guilty for feeling ugly

guilty for feeling pretty

guilty

guilty

guilty

i am suffocated by guilt

of how someone else will feel if i make a choice i know is best for me

guilty

and scared

when do i get to care about what i want

and not have this rock in my stomach

or a snake around my neck

-o