expectations

 

wtf is the bare minimum

who decided what means someone loves you?

is it the way you feel?

is it the little things that make your heart flutter?

or the little things that annoy you?

make you feel less than?

is there anyone that hits all the marks?

you think they're everything you've ever wanted and more?

until you realize they may lack the ability to ask about you?

to learn more?

to have reasons to love you

rather than just how pretty you are.

am i overthinking a good thing?

am i trying to ruin something because i don't think i deserve it?

or am i trusting my instinct?

but what if my instinct is to just not get hurt

again

and again

and again

and again

and a million times more.

love makes me insane

why do i second guess myself

why do i feel bad for choosing myself

or not liking certain things

will i always think theres something better

or maybe that i don't deserve what i have

is this more trauma????

do i not trust myself

or do i not trust anyone else

WHY CAN'T I JUST ENJOY THINGS?

   

just let whatever happen?

am i scared of things going back to how they were?

being so small

so vulnerable

so malleable

demoralized

unimportant

exploited

and mistreated.

all i want is to feel cared for

to feel appreciated

but not to the point where i depend on it

i want someone to ask about my day

and mean it

rather than ask cause i told them to

i want someone to send me a text about how they thought of me

or a song that reminds them of me

someone to show up when i'm upset

or celebrate my little victories

or make me feel better even when it's a small insubstantial thing.

is that too much?

is that the bare minimum?

are my expectations too high?

should i take what i can get?

or will it just hurt in the long run?

should i continue to care about how others may feel if i choose myself?

i know what i want

and i know what i don't

but guilt always has a say.

-o