needy

 am i too needy?

do i hide it because i know?

is it because i've been told i am?

too clingy, too needing of validation, too dependant

is it as negative as everyone makes it out to be?

maybe. 

what if i showed you how needy i was?

would you still like me the same?

would it be too overbearing?

or hard to handle?

i've spent so long the last year learning what i wanted.

what i needed.

to make me feel loved. 

appreciated.

cared for.

yet i haven't been able to tell anyone.

haven't been able to put it into action. 

so now when i get the chance,

i'm too scared to tell you that i miss you

to scared to tell you i want to learn everything about you

and talk about random things all day

i want you to want to learn about me

to know my favorite color

or what kind of flowers i like and why

or to ask what my goals are

or what i'm thinking about

to wipe my tears off my face

and to comfort me when i'm stressed out

or upset

or angry 

even if it's the smallest thing

and we both know the intense emotions won't last. 

i want you to tell me how you feel

so that i can feel comfortable doing the same.

i want to be with you all the time

and hold your hand

and hug you for as long as i'm able to.

i want to spend hours watching movies

while you play with my hair 

or your thumb moves across my hand.

i want to feel loved without any words.

i want you to do something 

because you want to

not because i said to.

not because i mentioned its something i need 

or something i want.

i want to feel like you like me for more than just my appearance

since i've worked so hard to convince myself that i'm more than just my face

or my body

or the things i wear

or the way i carry myself

i've been called pretty

with the goal of getting me undressed

rather than left as a compliment

which leaves you feeling less than

i want to feel smart.

to feel kind.

to feel loved.

for being myself

for laughing too loud

or falling asleep too early

for singing songs in the car

and messing up the words

for not being able to stay serious

or getting nervous

or blushing

or not being able to stop smiling

especially when you look at me.

i want to feel like you care.

i want to feel like im heard.

i want you to keep the conversation going

a conversation that doesn't take effort.

i want my interests to interest you.

i want you to want to know more.

but is it all too much to ask?

should i be happy with what i have?

should i not want more

or even think about what it would be like?

should i stay where i am?

or do you want to grow together.

teach me what you know

and i'll teach you what i know.

i don't want to beg you to find a way to see me.

or beg you to tell me what's wrong.

or beg you to ask me how i am.

i don't want to beg at all. 

i want to be your first choice.

i want more than whatever tf the bare minimum is.

and i don't think i want any of this.

 i need it. 

but it's too much to ask

and i'm too needy.

-o