i miss my dad

 I miss my dad.

he's not dead

just stubborn

we haven't talked since August 3rd, 2022

a big fight

(over text)

about me ignoring texts

and me driving a wedge between us

and me being the one to blame for everything

even though he is the parent

and he is the one who should reach out

he's the one who should ask if i'm okay

rather than accusing me of ignoring texts on purpose. 

(sorry i was literally in the hospital and had therapy appts back to back)

he refused to pay for therapy

because it wasn't medically necessary

(though he had been going to therapy for a while)

but yeah my fault.

all that being said

(and there's definitely more)

i miss him.

i miss when he'd post photos of me on facebook

and call me his little girl

and how he had a photo of me on his bedside table

or how he kept all the cards i ever made him

or when we'd go out late to get milkshakes from carls jr

or watch horror movies together and complain about how bad they tended to be

or when he taught me how to play guitar

or that i was always his biggest fan at his concerts

and would sit with them while they practiced in the basement.

i miss listening to van halen in the car

and knowing every word. 

i miss when he'd let me sit in the jeep when it was snowing while waiting for the bus. 

when he took me to my first big concert

(van halen ofc)

and he painted my nails and headphones in the pattern of eddies guitar. 

i miss him being my best friend. 

and i want to tell him how my past year has gone

and how i'm doing so much better now

and how i got out of  2 abusive relationships

and how i'm best friends with marilyn 

and to tell him all the fun things we've been doing

and how we are going on a road-trip this year

i want to tell him about my boyfriend

and how sweet he is

and how i met him in elementary school

i want to tell him about all the dates we've been on

and how he makes me feel really loved.

i want to tell him about what i got for christmas

or what my favorite foods are now.

i want to tell him about all the tattoos i plan to get

and i want to talk about how bad the newest halloween movie was.

i want to tell him about my eating disorder

and how i almost died

but also how i recovered.

i want to tell him that i drive stick now

and that i love it 

and it makes me feel cooler than everyone else driving. 

i want to tell him how old foxxy is now

and that i'm scared of her not being around someday.

i want him to meet kimchi

and adore him as much as i do.

i want to tell him how much i've grown mentally in the past year

and how i've been caring for myself

i want to tell him about my hobbies

my favorite books

my favorite movies

my favorite tv shows

my favorite color

and my favorite type of pen. 

my favorite anything. 

i want to tell him all the things i never felt were important

until i didn't have anyone to sit and tell. 

when i moved out and i stopped visiting.

when i broke my nose and he blamed my mom

when we moved to loveland and the only contact i had with him was texting.

when we started going to movies together

and getting lunch after to talk about it

or going on dinner dates

and then they stopped because i was mentally in an awful spot

but yet he never texted to see how i was doing

when all i wanted was to hug him

and cry to him about everything bad going on

but he didn't offer that support

it became my fault that i didn't answer texts

and it was "because i didn't want to hang out"

when i really couldn't leave my bed.

so we stopped texting 

stopped seeing one another

stopped any form of contact.

the only things i see are the occasional facebook update

about how he's in california

or that he's out at a fancy restaurant. 

or that he commented on someone else's post about their kid.

i wonder if we'll ever talk again.

but i'm too stubborn

and he's too stubborn.

so i'll sit and reread our texts

and look at old photos

and hope at some point he calls.

-o