contagious

 

trauma is weird.

i have spent majority of my life

(not long im only 18)

thinking i had no trauma. 

i had learned trauma was seen in one way

trauma is abuse. (emotional/physical)

so i assumed i didn't have trauma

because i wasn't abused as a kid

i wasn't badly bullied

or anything similar.

so no trauma.

until i learned trauma is anything that sticks with you

something that affects the way you act

the way you see things

things that you're used to

relationships for example.

unfortunately i grew up around an odd relationship.

which i learned later was

-manipulative

-controlling

-lack of love

and overall not great.

my parents didn't go out on dates

so when i had my first official relationship and we never left my bed

i thought that was normal.

when i wasn't able to go see my friends

when i was accused of cheating

told i was a bad girlfriend

i thought that was normal.

(which happened in 2 fucking relationships)

apparently not normal

and when i haven't been able to have physical touch

(not in a sexual way)

i assume the relationship is going bad.

i assume they don't like me anymore.

because when i noticed my mom and dad stop holding hands

or kissing when one of them came home from work

their relationship started to drift apart

like ice on a lake.

even friendships

when a friend begins to be more distant

i assume they found someone better

they don't want to hang out with me

because it happened so often in school.

there was always someone better

when someone is having an off day

i assume it's my fault

because it always used to be.

when someone doesn't want to tell me something

i assume they don't trust me.

when i'm told off at work

i assume i'll get fired

even when it's the smallest thing.

because one thing happens

and everything collapses.

because i assume it's my fault.

and i’m causing more harm than good

i worry more than i admit to

and i've learned that there's usually always something from your past

that causes you to act the way you do later in life.

i worry something is always wrong

or there's something deeper going on

that i don't know about

because no one used to tell me anything.

'don't tell olive'

so now i want to know everything.

i don't want to be in the dark.

i don't want to try to fix something i don't know how to fix

because i'm unsure of the problem.

i have a lot of love

because i'm afraid of others feeling how i've felt

but a lot of the time it goes unused

i go unnoticed

and im unsure what to do 

or why

and i have a lot of questions.

and i don't know what my trauma is

and i want to know how it affects me

how could i be different

can i change this narrative that seems to already have been written?

will i always be worried

about things im unable to fix

or change

or care for

or help

will all of this stay the same?

is it all a constant loop?

to pass your trauma on to the next? 

how contagious.

-o