growth

 yes i get homework in therapy

who knew?

not that i really remember exactly what i was supposed to work on...

i have a feeling it was to think (write) about how im doing

how ive grown

things that are going absolutely baller

and maybe things that arent. 

so lets start

i have had an unbelievably difficult year. 

and it took me a long ass time to let myself say that

"someone has it worse"

i've learned that, yes, others can have it worse but it doesn't make your situation any better.

you gotta feel all the mf feelings. 

but since i've had what felt like a never ending year of crying

i've learned to appreciate smaller things

that i normally wouldn't pay any mind to.

the sound and feeling of kimchi purring on my chest when i wake up 

(at the ass crack of dawn) 

K telling me to have a good day when he heads off to work

the sun rising during my drive

my favorite songs causing the car to shake

my mom asking if i made it to work okay

seeing M after work to go do dumb shit at the gym

a special someone calling me beautiful

(something i don't get called often)

and a million more things

even as small as my mom boiling water for me when i say i want pasta after the gym

it just feels really nice to appreciate shit that i used to complain about 

so focused on every single negative thing

(though i claimed i was an optimistic person)

and yes of course things still bother me 

and i still sometimes hide it

push it down

but im still learning

learning to sit with my feelings

whether its anger

sadness

happiness (easiest one)

nervousness

etc,. 

which took a fuck ton of effort

and im allowed to say im proud of myself.

and though this growth may not be as noticeable from an outside perspective

i know its there

my smile is genuine 

my laugh is genuine

my aura is genuine

i dont feel overwhelmed with worry

no worry for how i appear to others

for how my body looks in an outfit

for my food choices

my physical appearance 

and my mental attributes.

im olive. 

and im growing

and learning

and loving

and slaying fr

but if olive from about 5 months ago read this,

she would be pissed

she would not believe a word i say

(soooo optimistic)

she thought everyone was lying 

everything was too good to be true

and nothing got better

but everything got worse

what a fun way to spend your life. 

but im sorry to her.

and all the versions of me that i have put through so much pain.

to little me who had so many dreams and theres a possibility im disappointing her

to middle school me who thought she deserved to get bullied for expressing herself in the way she wanted.

to high school me for worrying about every single thing anyone thought of her

to covid era me who i convinced drugs and self harm were the only things to cope with

and to senior year me who i almost killed by depriving her of food and everything amazing in the world. 

im sorry to every version of myself that excepted everything that came to her with open arms

whether it was good or bad.

im sorry for convincing you that you deserved everything that happened to you

from your parents divorce, multiple deaths in the family, first real relationship ending badly, almost dying, loosing your soulmate (miso), addictions, hospital visits, and just lots of everything. 

you didn't deserve that.

but i am glad it happened.

and i hope i continue to grow.

and i hope i make all the past versions proud of me. 

sorry for the sappy post 

im just happy shits falling into place. 

amor fati 

-o