moving on.

 

Moving on

...

IS FUCKING DIFFICULT

idk who said it was easy. 

you go through the phases of being 

-sad (balling your eyes out)

-angry (they did u dirty)

-content (trying not to think about it)

-over it (slaying girlboss)

-new lover (killin it) 

but that's a lie. 

well idk if for everyone but 

in my case?

A FUCKING LIE

i was crying so much that the skin around my eyes was raw. 

i couldn't move from my bed for weeks 

i couldn't even go on my phone to pass the time. 

just layed in my dirty bed

in my messy ass room

wearing her sweatshirt that somehow still smelled like her

just staring at the ceiling. 

so that was slay. and it lasted for weeks.

then i was STILL not over that but had to get up and act like i was. 

life still goes on apparently????

and i just felt like that for months. 

just this gut wrenching feeling that was always there.

and when i thought about it too much id start thinking about her.

how much love i had (have) for her.

and absolutely nothing i could do about it or with it. 

i wasn't angry until about 

5 months in. 

and only for a short time because i truly had nothing to be mad about.

i just wanted to be done with being sad. 

and then i was over it. 

i still missed(miss) her.

i still listened to music that reminded me of her.

still wore her clothes. 

still thought about her every second. 

but yeah i was over it.

totally. 

but now thats all thrown out the window. 

i

am

not

over

it

I ALMOST WAS TOO.

seriously.

hit the 7 month mark and i was finally doing okay.

i made a new playlist.

i forgot her smile.

her laugh.

her smell. 

i forgot the break up and how shitty it was.

i started taking therapy seriously. 

i started living. 

i started reading (crazy fr)

i started going to the gym.

i took myself out on dates

i got a full time mf job. 

and then she texts. 

its fine. i'm good.

still slaying 

unbothered

until we met up and everything came rushing back.

the way she looked at me when i got in the car.

her laugh.

her smile.

her fucking music playing. 

everything.

and it was one of the best talks i've ever had.

and maybe i got my hopes up after that. 

after she told me she missed me. 

and gave me a hug that i wished would've lasted longer. 

i thought it was back to normal. 

i thought i was finally catching a break.

shit was falling into place

and i deserve that.

(i've had a hard ass year)

i really fucking thought.

she came over two days later to watch a movie.

slay

i was so excited.

i felt like i did in high school.

having a crush on someone 

it feels amazing.

but i forgot how bad it feels after.

because of all the things you think about

getting yourself so hyped for something you know logically isn't true. 

that same gut wrenching feeling i worked so hard to get rid of. 

all flooding back after a 2 hour movie of silence

sitting on opposite sides of the couch

and a hug goodbye that wasn't even going to happen if i hadn't of initiated it. 

sooooo

awesome.

and now i'm stuck with this confusion on what the fuck im doing. 

how can i be friends with someone i'm still in love with?

how can i sit next to her and not put my head on her shoulder?

how can i deal with the butterflies i get when she smiles at me?

i cant. 

so how can i be friends with someone im still in love with?

is this worth it?

is it worth the risk to pretend to be cool with being friends

in hopes that maybe at some point it can be like it was?

i don't know.

it's already so draining and it's only been a day.

i cried when she left because it was so upsetting.

how stupid could i be?

i cried the next day

playing the same playlist i made lying on my bed 7 months before. 

and i'm crying now just writing this.

i feel so dramatic.

and i wish there was a way to write how i feel but i can't explain it.

i feel like i'm missing my organs. 

and it's just empty. 

and i constantly feel like the second before your going to cry.

but i never actually do

it's just that everlasting anticipation

waiting for the waterworks and they never come.

so basically since im stupid

and apparently a hopeless romantic

i will see what happens.

not because i want to 

but because i know i'm not going to just let myself move on. 

because im stupid

moving on is bullshit. 

-o