buy your own cake

♡

it is crazy to see how much you've grown 

physically and mentally

an inch taller

and a whole new way of thinking

the hours spent doing my eyeliner

and even more spent redirecting my negative thoughts

and as easy as a haircut is to notice,

or your new purple eyeshadow

people can't seem to notice the change in your mental well being 

whether it be decaying

or flourishing

they notice the decline when it's too late to help it 

and they notice you getting better when they start to become jealous. 

so as proud as i am of myself

for getting my shit together

changing my perspectives on how i see my future

sitting with my feelings 

(which i thought was the dumbest thing at first)

and to think about how often i was so sad i couldn't leave my bed.

not even to pee. 

how much i cried so hard i couldn't breath

and was left with a pounding headache

but no one saw that.

no one saw the decay until it was physically showing.

my sunken in cheeks and my lack of any life. 

everytime i skipped school

blaming it on the weather, or saying i was taking a mental health day.

when really i was glued to my bed.

no motivation

no feeling in my body

no reason for anything. 

no one thought twice about it.

only did when it was too late. 

but the minute i started to look physically better all the care was gone.

the constant checking in

all the offers to help.

gone.

even when i was still at my lowest mentally. 

and i needed it more than ever.

so as proud as i am

to be able to tell someone i'm actually doing good when they ask how i am

and really mean it

to tell someone that things get better

and not be lying

i can't help but think about how much prouder i would feel if people noticed

if they celebrated my mental growth the same way they would celebrate a birthday. 

where's my cake?

my candles?

my party?

shouldn't this be celebrated more?

that i'm excited to live again?

to love again?

that i'm not 16 anymore, sitting on my floor in the dark

crying about what i was gonna do with my life

assuming it would be the same forever

thinking about how much easier it could be to just not.

to just end it all and let everyone else deal with me missing

for them to all finally realize the affect everything has.

how little they did?

and as gruesome as that is

i really thought that way.

and i felt guilty for feeling that way.

but i didn't tell anyone until it was too late. 

when i cried to my mom about how i didn't want to be here

and the look of shock on her face

when she wasn't ever expecting those words to come out of my mouth.

and i know that everyone is dealing with their own personal bullshit. 

and don't have the time to realize how different people are.

to ask how they are doing

imagine how much of a difference it could make if someone told you they were proud of you

proud of all the

difficult

f u c k i n g

work

you put into yourself

all the effort

even when you didn't want to

especially when you didn't EVER think it could get better

but you are the only one that can appreciate that.

to know how you were the year before

and to compare that to how much better you are doing now.

to celebrate yourself

to throw your own pity party

and to buy your own damn cake.

-o