art shit

 

i fucking miss art

i wish i wasn't so hypercritical

so i could sit and enjoy

the brown paper i insisted on having because it was prettier

watching my pencil leave a trail behind

to create something without questioning it

questioning how good or bad it is

just letting it be

just enjoying the process

but i made that so difficult for myself

growing up

constantly comparing my art to my brother

(not a fair comparison as he is 8 yrs older than me)

comparing to friends

watching all the realistic art on insta when it was so popular

comparing myself to how people would be so content with what they made in art class

or when someone would draw an eyeball in the corner of their notebook

thinking it was the best thing in the world

and that they were the next picasso or some shit

but at least then i worked hard on my art

i wanted to draw

i wanted to get better

I ENJOYED it

i think i've ruined my creative passion over the years

all the grief

mental/physical illness

literal lack of brain power lmao

(not funny.)

i have brain power now but maybe im scared

it wont be as good as i want it to be

as im expecting

as everyone else is expecting. 

my mom literally used to tell me she thought i could do better when i showed her something i drew

while my dad

he would just nod and walk away

but thats a story for a different time im just rambling at this point

I WANT TO DRAW

i miss having a hobby

something im decent at

idk

i read this to my therapist and she liked it 

even though i said i hated it lmao

but i guess that goes back to the second sentence.

-o