strangers again

 

first n foremost...

 if you read this,

i truly do miss you, if you couldn't tell. i hope you are doing well, as im too scared to ask. 

i hope you are continuing to grow. and enjoying all that life brings to you.

and i'm sorry if any of this upsets you. 

i gotta get this all out, i think my therapist is sick of me mentioning that i miss you every session. 

i love u and probably always will even if we never talk again. 

i know its a normal thing

but it always surprises me when i'm still upset about something i thought i was over. 

and not just the 

'oh i miss them or that'

but instead the

crying in your bed at 9pm until you fall asleep listening to a playlist you made about them

one specifically called "i really fucking miss you"

is it to make myself more upset?

is it helping the grieving process to let/ literally make myself be so upset about something i can't do anything about?

or is it making it worse.

my therapist says it's okay. 

but i'm sure she would say that to just about anything. 

she told me to not rush the grieving process.

but it's literally been months. 

should i still be wishing things were the same as they were?

yeah i was fucking depressed.

but was that because of you or because of all the things i did to myself leading up to it?

i miss your laugh.

i miss your smile.

i miss when you'd blush after i complimented you and then hide your face in your hoodie.

i miss how you'd get nervous driving every time i'd look over at you.

i miss having a bad day and you would drive over just to see me

when we'd sit and watch the sunset over the lake

when you would take me out driving for hours and let me pick the songs.

(even if it was the same 3 songs over and over again)

when you played with my hair as i slept even when i swore i wouldn't.

when you'd hold my hand in the car.

when you'd hold my head and stroke my cheek while we watched tv

when you'd let me borrow your hoodie and insist that i wear it even when i felt bad

you always asked how i was.

and texted my mom to check up on me if i was struggling

you cared and it showed.

but now that it's over i wonder what happened.

i want to blame myself.

so i have something to be mad at

i can't be mad at you

space was all you wanted.

right?

but when will that space fill?

i can't tell if i miss you

or i miss your affection

or the attention i lacked at home

quite honestly i miss all of it.

though sometimes we would hold hands at school and i'd feel you hide our hands behind you.

of course there were bad parts about it. doubts from you.

suspicions your friends fed to you like a mom feeds a baby. 

and as much as i reassured you that they were wrong

apologized profusely

it still ended. 

which when i think back on things

it was clear what everything was leading up to. 

you stopped coming over as much

but when you did you were only on your phone.

which you'd hide if you were texting someone.

just a lot of distance began to develop.

awkwardness.

until the breakup

i always wonder how you dealt with it.

was it planned?

i remember going home that morning, feeling nervous about how distant you were the night before. 

i watched coraline that night.

and then you texted.

my eyes were sore for days.

swollen and red.

i blamed it on allergies.

i didn't have anyone to confide in.

i tried my mom but all she could tell me is that it wasn't worth the tears.

or that there were other people to meet. 

'more fish in the sea' 

the same cliche things everyone says

so i just cried.

cried until i couldn't anymore

was there something i could have done?

was i not good enough?

 did you even really mean anything you ever said?

when did you began to fall out of love?

or was it not about me at all?

is this all self-centered?

to think it was all my fault?

maybe i read too much into it. 

maybe i have too many questions.

maybe we weren't perfect together like we thought.

maybe i only remember the good parts because it brings me comfort.

maybe i need to fucking get over it.

because i can't control everything.

as much as i want to.

i don't know how you feel exactly

or how you ever did. 

because we don't talk anymore.

we are strangers again.

with the occasional snapchat after being on delivered for a week.

it hurts more to keep in contact

with no actual conversations.

no words.

it looks as you're over it.

you've moved on.

and that's ok. 

there's nothing i can do about it.

except lay in bed and cry until no more tears come out. 

listening to a playlist of songs that all remind me of you.

while i wear whatever clothes you left at my house.

the ones i was too scared to give back after things ended.

especially your hoodie. 

maybe someday our paths will cross again.

but i don't want to force it.

i just want to be happy for you.

and happy for me.

and leave it at that.

but it's difficult.

tv by billie eilish

-o