jealousy!!

 jealousy

i'm so proud of everyone for going to college 

whether they are going after what they want, or what their parents want

it's still cool

but i can't help but feel jealous. envious?

i know i would hate college. the school aspect, if we're being honest.

i mean that's kinda the whole reason i didn't go. 

the only thing i'm good at is art

(which i haven't done in a while from lack of motivation. and some self judgement? bullying? idk the word i'm thinking of.)

but imo art school seems kinda dumb, in terms of creative art.

if you're doing performative arts or technical art then yeah you should go 

but creating something with your feelings.

putting everything you have into it, the way you learned yourself

just to have someone attach a grade letter to it.

it makes you feel bad about it. though i'm not sure if they do what i had to do in high school which was grading your own art. but i also thought that was dumb. plus a lot of extra work.

you cant grade art.

if you made it and you like it then that's that. 

added judgement just adds another factor that makes you question your own skill and may not allow you to get better. 

but that was a whole tangent. 

i'm just jealous

not of the school or classes but i guess of the college experience. 

staying in dorms, parties, friends 

living somewhere completely different, no parents to watch your every move. 

though i know logically and from experience that it's not like the movies. like high school wasn't at all like i was expecting

but maybe that's because i didn't make the best of it

because i was so caught up in an eating disorder, depression, my parents divorcing, and a girlfriend.

and those are all stories for another time. 

i have the same feeling i would always get when i'd miss school for vacation, or being sick. 

what were my friends doing?

did anything happen at school?

are they talking about me?

just feeling left out. 

in reality i'm sure no one paid no mind to me being absent.

i didn't get the feeling as much senior year as i didn't have anyone to go see at school really.

no interest in classes or anything of the sort.

so maybe i'm jealous of college in general. maybe i feel left out.

maybe it's because they all know what they are doing and have plans for their future.

maybe because they have extra time to plan their future and do the same thing they've been doing for their whole life.

but i don't. i'm lost quite honestly.

i didn't think i would make it this far.

18

i don't have a career, nothing planned out, no ambitions or goals

except for the fact that i want to move. live on my own.

but shits so expensive and i'm sure i'd get lonely.

but they all get to experience that. even if just for 4 years.

do they feel like they have their shit together?

do they know what they are doing?

from their posts they look so positive and they all know how they are going to live their lives.

no doubts.

maybe cause their parents are all rich and can make anything happen.

having that backing i'm sure i wouldn't have any doubts either.

i know i'm in no rush to figure out what i'm going to do. 

but sometimes it feels like it. all because i turned 18 and i think i need to get it together 

though no one is really telling me i need to. 

only ever an occasional mention of 

"what if you texted so n so to be an apprentice?"

"you need to start thinking of a career you might want to do."

"what if you signed up for at least one college class." 

nothing intrigues me. and if it does i'm gonna be poor. 

sitting in bed isn't a career.

wallowing in self pity isn't a career.

it's hard to think of what career i want when i've been spending the last 2 years trying to eat like a normal person. relearning self compassion. just genuinely trying to take care of myself. 

i don't think a lot of people realize how difficult that is. and i'm STILL working on it.

can self neutrality be a career cause i'm really good at that. 

i need to keep telling myself that there's no rush to figure stuff out. i'm doing good for what i've gone through and i've come along way. 

but i'm still jealous. 

-o