how many tries till its right?

 

i feel so silly

silly is the only word i feel fits

i don't feel stupid

or foolish

actually maybe a little foolish.

but i put a lot out

in hopes that people like me

that i'm helping them

that i'm worth something

and everytime im proven wrong

"don't bring your past experiences into new ones"

okay easy.

and then it ends up exactly the way the last one does.

i just want to be loved

i love and love and love

but don't tend to receive any in return

i'm quite literally on my hands and knees

begging

pleading

to be loved

to be noticed

and cared for

to be held in a way i haven't before

when i go on a date

i can't stop smiling as the door is held open for me

or they hold my hand

or guide me by my waist

grabbing my purse instead of leaving it unattended

moving the hair out of my face

saying i smell good

all the little things

that i just put so much emphasis on

because it's all new to me

and i know damn well

that my lack of a father figure could be to blame

and the lack of healthy relationships growing up

so to be head over heels in a matter of seconds,

isn't normal, but to me it is

and still

as much excitement i can have

and as many things they do

or as many green flags that wave

it never works out

i'm never enough to keep.

i'm never enough to take out on a date

never enough to fall in love with.

i am sick of talking stages

i am sick of answering questions when they couldn't care less

i am sick of feeling like finally something is different

when i will always just be an object

when i will always be too easy

when i will always be a tease

or just a pretty face

i feel as im just whatevers under my shirt

rather than what's in the depths of my brain

when i say no

apparently it means keep trying

keep insisting

when i am finally ready for something real

it's always just a situation type deal

when i tell them not to stress

i go home and overthink everything

is the feeling mutual?

is this how im supposed to feel?

i want to be hugged so hard it feels real.

i want to be told i mean something

i want your actions to show im enough for you.

i want to be enough for someone.

and i'm scared to be.

i'm scared of love

it feels weird.

it feels weird when im being treated like i've always hoped.

i feel safe in his arms.

but i had felt safe with my dad at one point too.

so i will continue to question

every word that leaves your mouth

every lie

and every truth.

wondering if any of it is real.

or if it's just going to be another version of the same events.

-o