dosage

 

I used to feel comfort in being sad.

i still do sometimes

that slight nostalgia

but sometimes i feel angry

i'm on medication

i'm putting in the work

i'm learning my trauma

what more do i need to do?

i don't want to feel upset that my ex is in another girls bed.

i don't want to feel upset that someone i like is talking about other people being attractive.

i don't want to feel upset about work being too hard

or too much

i don't want to constantly feel as though

i'm unloveable in the way i crave

or that i won't be able to do what i want to do

or that i'll be stuck in an office because i didn't go to college

i don't want to feel like im constantly putting on a show

that i've got my shit together

that i'm all better because i learned how to eat

or that i have a job

or that i have hopes and dreams.

but sometimes i feel myself slipping back into the feeling

the feeling of wanting a pause

a break

i want to sit in bed until i disintegrate

until my house becomes abandoned

and everyone is long gone.

i want to feel cared for

and appreciated

from someone else

not from myself

i want to feel like i belong

like i know what i'm doing

i want to feel like how i present myself

i want it all to be genuine

i want to be okay with things out of my control.

i don't want to feel upset

or taken back

especially not by a crush

not by a job

not by my lack of dad

not by my trauma

not by anything.

i've tried so hard to convince myself that it's okay to be upset

even if it's a small thing

and i give the same advice to anyone asking

and make it sound like i can do that

when i can't

i can't or i wont?

i'm just sick of it. 

i don't want to take meds to convince myself

or to pretend they are working as well as they are

and i don't want to blame my feelings on a dosage

i want to wake up and have a purpose

have a goal

have something

other than a cat

or a best friend

(which are both amazing and wouldn't trade them for the world)

but i want to wake up for myself

i want to feel the sunshine on my face 

and appreciate it

i want to have a clean room

and write happy blogs

and go to a job i love

or have a s/o that makes me feel like i'm everything and more

or see my best friend everyday

or have my cat live forever.

instead i repeat the same days as i did in high school

and i hope for a change

as my clothes fill the floor

and my bed remains unmade

with the same sheets from 2 weeks ago

as the trash piles up in my car

and the plants in my room beg for water

i hope for change.

but in the end all i do is wait.

repeat the days.

and maybe up my med dose

-o