hidden abuse

i was stuck focusing on you.

you and your blue eyes.

when you'd smile as you played with my hair.

or the tight hug every time you walked through my front door.

never stopping to say hi to my parents

never wanting to go anywhere else.

because almost immediately,

like clockwork

we would go to my bedroom. 

the only place i received your affection. 

the only place i thought you wanted me

or cared about me.

my bedroom. 

the place i was most vulnerable. 

longing for your fucking attention

your love

was it really love?

we never went out

never tried try new things

you never held my hand in public

(and if you did you would hide it.)

never talked to me in school

never gave me the time of day.

unless we were in bed.

THATS

ALL

WE

DID

and as much as i cared about u

as much as i thought you felt the same

as much as i wanted a normal relationship

one that made me happy

but not in a way that was my only source of it. 

one that let me still see my parents

or let me still see my friends.

or go out to do things

whether we were together

or i was alone.

i became trapped in this god forsaken bedroom

and now i know why i hate it so much.

why i hate being in one place.

why i needed to move my room around constantly.

why i needed change.

i know why i was so unhappy.

and i couldn't blame it on you

because i couldn't see what you were doing

and i couldn't see how it was wrong.

it was abuse.

which i've recently learned is so different than i thought.

so many versions

and so many ways to hide it.

the easiest being love.

-o